The Retarded Adventures of a Bored Emmett Cullen
by TwoQuartersOfTheAsstastic4
Summary: What happens when Emmett Cullen is bored
1. Chapter 1: Rosalie

**_Hello and welcome to the first story from TwoQuarterOfTheAsstastic4 I'm LadyDrac or LeeLee which ever you perfer.  
_**And I'm LadyOfTheLancashireManor or SheaShea.  
**_The parts of the story I, LeeLee, wrote and said are in this font  
_**And the parts of the story I, ShaeShae, wrote and said are in this font  
**_We hope you enjoy the story with all it's randomness  
Sadly we don't own Twilight, Bob the Builder, or Emmett but we do own Palo. _**Woot Woot go Palo! **_ShaeShae what are u doing? _**I'm supporting Palo he's cool. **_Oh in that case Woot Woot Palo rocks!!!_**

Chapter 1  
Rosalie

_**Edward and Bella where being happily emo together, Alice had dragged Jasper shopping, Charlise and Emse where on some type of honeymoon and Rosalie was mad at him, so that could only mean one thing, Emmett Cullen was bored.**_

Emmett wanted to play with his imaginary friend Bob but Rose won't let him and so he started to sing his favorite song, Bob The Builder! Over and over again.

_**That got Rosalie mad so she broke the T.V, said "No Bob the Builder na punk!" and ran out the room in a huff, leaving him staring at the smoking T.V wit a hole through it's screen**_

"At least I still have you Bob", he turned around to see Bob gone._**"Bob? Bob? Bob where are you?!?!?!?!?" he called, Oh no Bob was gone, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

Emmett fake cried until he came up with another imaginary friend named Palo. _**Palo was a pink pony from pensilvania**_

And I know what you're thinking and yes a guy pony can be pink, Now stop calling me CRAZY!!

_**Emmett was glad he met Palo, it was either him or a unicorn that farted rainbows, and personally he would rather not taste that rainbow.**_

SO Emmett and Palo decided to prank all the Cullens, especially his wife for revenge on killing *gasp* do i dare say his name? BOB!

_**Rosalie walked through the door ready to face Emmett, hoping he was back to normal, needless to say she was disappointed. **_As Rosalie walked through the door she was trapped underneath Emmett's heavy body, and the next thing she knew she was over Emmett's shoulder as he began to run. _**She was about to yell at him but stopped because she saw a pink pony running along side of them, "wtf?!?!" **_

"oh emm gee!!" Emmett exclaimed like a teenage girl, "Rose do you see Palo too?" he asked his startled wife.

_**"That thing has a name?!?" Rosalie screeched a horrified look on face, what had Emmett been up to all day?**_

"Why yes HE does" Emmett says putting emphasis on the 'he', "His name is Pa-Lo" Emmett tried to explain to a dumbfounded Rosalie.

_**"Yeah! And don't you forget it" Palo said and I was sure if vampires could have fainted Rosalie would have been dead to the world.**_

"Rose? Rosalie?" Rosalie seemed to be frozen, she was in shock, "Hmm, I should take you to Carlisle but... I'm not gonna" so he put Rosalie down and left her in the forest while she rocked back and forth muttering intelligible words.

_**"Time to see how Eddie and Belly-Bells are doing." Emmett sang out as he ran away from where her left Rosalie, "You're going to love them Palo."**_

**_Will Palo like Edward and Bella?. _**It's Belly-Bells LeeLee. **_Rite sorry, Will Palo like Edward and Belly-Bells? Will Rosalie ever get better? Will the T.V ever get fixed!?!? Well review and ShaeShae will answer all your questions! _**You bet! Wait what?!


	2. Chapter 2: Edward and Bella

_**LeeLee: Yar yad ya5 **_

SheaShea: Man LeeLee you keep typoing let me say it. Yay! Here's the second chapter. I wonder what Emmett's going to do na?

_**LeeLee: No you don't SheaShea you know exactly what Emmett's going to do. **_

SheaShea: Ssssshhhh LeeLee man why'd you have to say that.

_**LeeLee: Why not?**_

SheaShea: I don't know ya know.

_**LeeLee: What are we going to do with you?**_

SheaShea: Sandy-Lands!!

_**LeeLee: Can I come?!**_

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Chapter 2

Bella and Edward

_**"This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not know what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. Yes it goes.."**_

_**People looked around to find out who was singing that song. None other than Emmett Cullen Walked around the corner breaking into another round of the song.**_

Edward peeked his head out of his room, his shirt off and his hands full of blood, "Oh Muh GAWD! You killed Bella!" Emmett screamed before Bella peeked her head out of the door.

_**"Emmett what are you screaming about?" she asked.**_

"Bella? B-B-B-But I thought you were dead!" Emmett stuttered, as Bella rolled her eyes.

_**"Jezz Emmett two people can't kill and cook a chicken without someone screaming bloody murder?" she questioned motioning her hands towards a blob of meat that looked somewhat like a chicken.**_

"Oh" Emmett replied, "I thought you killed Bella and was digging out her insides to make a Bella doll for you to keep forever", Edward just looked annoyed while Bella's eyes were wide with fright

_**"Emmett?" she asked tentatively, "Are you okay, you know, up here?" She pointed to her head.**_

"Of course I am!" Emmett looked hurt that she would even ask that, "My imaginary friend Bob, may he rest in peace always assured me that I was NOT mentally ill.

_**Edward made a face, "Of course he did" he said turning to Bella twirling his finger around his ear while mouthing the word Crazy.**_

"How dare you! You two WILL pay! I swear on Bob's grave!!" Emmett huffed as he stormed off to devise a plan of revenge upon the couple.

_**But the mention of Bob's name made tears come to his eyes and soon he was "crying" with Edward and Bella standing awkwardly next to him.**_

Edward soon got annoyed and dragged Bella back in the room so that she can finish showing him how to cook a chicken. _**Little did he know that chicken was going to be his down fall.**___Little did Edward know, while he was gazing at Bella, Emmett used his super cool, awesome, vampire speed to attach a small box to the inside of the chicken and sang "the song that doesn't end' in his mind so that Edward wouldn't catch on to his plan.

_**"So now" Bella said "We wash off the chicken and then put it in the frying pan to fry." **_

Emmett giggled silently in his mind and as soon as Edward placed the chicken in the pan, Emmett released his plan to Edward's mind reading powers and he shoved Bella away from the stove just in time to see the stove and everything around it blow up.

_**"Emmett are you freaking suicidal!!!!!" Edward yelled racing after Emmett who ran as soon as the word 'Emmett' was out of Edward's mouth. **_Sadly, Edward was the fastest of all the Cullens and caught Emmett quickly but Emmett was the strongest so he threw Edward few miles away and continued running. _**He had just started to say "Na na na boo boo you can't catch me." before he bucked into a smirking Bella, "How'd you?" he asked dumbfounded.**_

"I... DANCED!!", Bella exclaimed as she broke into a series of dance moves while music and background dancers appeared out of nowhere. When Edward returned he too found himself dumbfounded. _**Not only because Bella was dancing but Emmett had joined her and they were now doing the jerk. **_Edward was so confused that the only thing he could think of was the old term 'If you can't beat 'em join 'em' and that is what Edward did.

_**So they danced until the police came and told them to carry their a double s's home, all the while Palo was watching thinking what retards.**_

SheaShea: That's all folks!__

_**LeeLee: Porky the Pig?**_

SheaShea: Yup! :D

_**LeeLee: Ohhhh yeah Shannon! I called Sandy-Lands and they have space for you!**_

SheaShea: YES!! Vitamalts here I come!

_**LeeLee: (As SheaShea does a victory dance) BTW guys, Sandy-Lands is a mental institution here where we live and when you submit a person you get a case of vitamalts.**_

SheaShea: Who are you talking to?

_**LeeLee: Our wonderful readers! Why u ask?**_

SheaShea: Plzz tell them to R&R!

_**LeeLee: Tell um yourself!**_

SheaShea: But I'm too lazy!

_**LeeLee: Ahh well your problem**_

SheaShea: Ughh fineee Plzzz review guys or else I'll call the pretty horsies in the white coats with the giant needles from Sandy-Lands and they'll put you to sleep!

_**LeeLee: And trust me you do NOT want to be around Shannon when yous sleeping... She does evil things**_

SheaShea: Yeah like what i did to to Paul when he said he didn't like twilight

_**LeeLee: (steps away slowly)**_

SheaShea: Plzzz review. Bye


	3. Chapter 3: Carlisle

_**LeeLee: Here's the third chapter of The Retarded Adventures Of A Bored Emmett Cullen.**_

ShaeShae: We're your hosts for this chapter, the next chapter and the many others that follow.

_**LeeLee: Emmett is at it again today. Oh and before we go on I'd like to say that no chicken was harmed in the making of this story.**_

ShaeShae: That's right. The only thing that was harmed in the making of this story was our keyboards.

_**LeeLee: Yes they're suffering from overuse**_

ShaeShae: But that won't stop us. Hold on will that?

_**LeeLee: Only if the keyboards catch on fire**_

ShaeShae: Well that never stopped me before!

_**LeeLee: …..**_

ShaeShae: What?

_**LeeLee: … Any way moving on we'd like to thank Bubbles Loves Twilight for her awesome reviews**_

ShaeShae: WoooHooo! You rock!

_**LeeLee: You do rock, tanks for your review! OK ShaeShae do the disclaimer.**_

ShaeShae: Do I have to?

_**LeeLee: Yes**_

ShaeShae: Alrite mother. (sigh) We don't own Twilight, Food Network or Bug Bunny.

_**LeeLee: But we do own Dr. Deadmeat**_

ShaeShae: He's a jerk doe

_**LeeLee: I know**_

ShaeShae: Curse you Dr. Deadmeat!

Chapter 2  
Carlisle

_**Carlisle was running home, he heard that the police had escorted Emmett, Edward and Bella and they needed an adult to sign the release forms, when he tripped over something that was on the ground.**_

He looked down to see a clearly disturbed Rosalie muttering something about a pink pony called Palo.

_**He was about to ask her what happened when Emmett came out from behind a bush.**_

Emmett took out an i-pod with headphones and put them in Carlisle's ear, the song that was playing was the llama song.

_**"OK." Carlisle said "Three questions, What happened to Rosalie? Why aren't you with the police? What type retarded song is this!?!?!?!?!?!" **_So Emmett told Carlisle everything that happened, and Carlisle got angry, but Emmett was fast, he took some kid of special vampire proof material and tied Carlisle up and left the headphones in Carlisle's ear

_**"Emmett?" Carlisle asked calmly grinding his teeth "Why am I tied to a tree?"**_

"Because", Emmett explained, "It's part of my secret evil plan to take over the world, so i can't tell you much"

_**Carlisle was about to say how stupid Emmett was when suddenly Rosalie stood up and walked past them singing, "He's Palo the pink pony from Pennsylvania, he may be pink but he's male. He's Palo.."**_

Emmett being Emmettish screamed, "AHHHH PALO RUNNN!!! SHE'S GONNA RAPE YOU!!!!"

_**Palo being Paloish screamed and ran away screaming, "I'm to pink to be raped!!!!"**_

Rosalie turned around to look at Emmett, she looked sad, "Emmett baby, do you think of me so much that you thought that I would rape a pony?" she whined before breaking out in a dry sob.

_**"Umm no. Well you see. Umm, I DIDN'T TAKE MY PILLS THIS MORNING OK!!" Emmett screamed freaked out by his "crying wife". **_Carlisle made a tsk tsk sound, because he thought that he taught his kids better to take their pills on time. _**Palo, who had came back, was the only sense able one as he realized that vampires can't eat or take pills, Retarded people, he thought.**_

"So we're retarded now?" Edward appeared behind Palo, his eyebrows raised.

_**How the eff? Palo thought, "Before you can ask we ran away from the police" Bella explained. "Well danced in my case."**_

"When did yall get here?", Jasper asked in his southern accent, everyone stared at him with wide eyes, mainly because he wore a jean overall and held a pitchfork in his hand. _**All the while Carlisle, who was still tied up to the tree, thought Where did I go wrong?**_

"Well...." Edward began to answer his question when 'POOF' Paula from the Food Network appeared next to Jasper, "Hey yall!" she said, and everyone screamed.

_**Edward, who finished screaming first, was about to ask, very nicely considering the situation, what the hell she was doing here when Jasper ran up to here and said "This is my third cousin's fourth cousin's great aunt's godchild."**_

"OHHH" everyone said, "But still, why the hell are you here?", Carlisle asked.

_**"Well," she said, "This little pixie came and told me I have a relative out here. So she picked me up an den I was here."**_

"Ohhh", everyone said... again, "Let's go my ninth cousin and bake blood cakes!", Jasper suggested, Paula looked appalled, "I mean.... lets go make...umm.... fake blood cakes!"

_**As they walk away Carlisle called out, "They best be animal blood!"**_

"Ughhhhh, WHYYY?" Jasper whined, "Because I said so... DAWG" Carlisle answered.

_**"Pssaahhh." Emmett said, "That coming from someone who's tied to a tree? I think not."**_

Jasper continued to whine, "Oh cumonnnnn!! What if I told you it was Jessica Stanley's blood?", everyone paused and thought hard for a second, "Yeah i guess you could use her blood", Carlisle answered, Everyone gasped.

_**"OMFG!!" Emmett screamed, "Who the eff are you are and what the eff have you done with effing Carlisle?!?!?!?!?!"**_

"I-I-I-I-I am Carl-carl-carl-carlisle" the Carlisle impersonator stuttered, "Oh yeah!" Emmett shouted before ripping of the impersonator's head.

_**Bugs Bunny!?!?!?!" everybody asked. **_

_**"Yeah and I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling whatever the hells you are."**_

"Where's Carlisle?!?!", Emmett shrieked like a little girl, everyone looked at him like he was crazy, which could be very well true.

_**Suddenly a doctor appeared out of nowhere, "Emmett I'm sorry to tell you this but Carlisle is...." everyone looked at him, "Carlisle is..," everyone leaned closer, "CARLISLE IS ON VACATION!! HAHAHAH GOT YOU YOU PUNKS HAHAHAHA!!", then the doctor popped away.**_

The Cullens were not amused, I know this because they all said "We are not amused".

_**"I wish I knew his name then I could go and kill him" Edward said, Bella then gave him a piece of paper with the name Dr. Deadmeat on it. **_

"HEHEHEHEHE" Edward laughed maniacally O.o everyone stepped away slowly.

_**"Will it was nice meeting yall." Paula said, "But I've to fly.", she then sprouted fairy wings and flew away.**_

"PAULA!!!! NOOOO!!! I NEED YOU!!!", Jasper yelled after her, "Lemmee guess, you didn't take you'r pills either?" Edward asked him.

_**"Oh emm gee!" Jasper yelled, "How'd you know!?!?!?!"**_

"A wild guess", Edward muttered as Bella rolled her eyes, Edward looked at Bella and soon they were in a gross out make out session.

_**"Ewwwwww," Emmett said, jumping up and flapping his arms "Girls have cooties! Ewwwwww."**_

Jasper looked at Emmett, "You think so too?" Emmett nodded his head, and soon Jasper and Emmett were in an even grosser make out session, whil Alice and Rosalie shrugged, this was normal behavior.

_**Palo walked up to them and asked, "Wanna go grab a burger?" they nodded and walked away leaving Carlisle wondering two things, When did Alice get here? and two, Why was he still tied to a tree!?!?!?!?!**_

_**Then Esme appeared next to him, "You do know you could uproot the tree do you?"**_

"_**What the crap!?!?!?!?!?!" Carlisle yelled.**_

ShaeShae: I thought that wasn't the real Carlisle?

_**LeeLee: it was, it was bugs bunny in a Carlisle suit but Carlisle was in da bugs bunny suit.**_

ShaeShae: Ohh yeah I get it na

_**LeeLee: :P**_

ShaeShae: Don't stuck ya tongue at me

_**LeeLee: :P**_

ShaeShae: Stop

_**LeeLee: :P**_

ShaeShae: What'll make u stop

_**LeeLee: :P Tell our great readers to review and dat way dey'll become our great reviewers :P**_

ShaeShae: Ok, Great readers I humbly ask you to review, that way you can become our great reviewers

_**LeeLee: :D yay!**_

ShaeShae: See you made LeeLee happy!! :D

_**LeeLee: ~{.}~{.}~**_

ShaeShae: … OK.....


	4. Chapter 4: Alice

ShaeShea: Wat's up! I'm crazy #1

_**LeeLee: And I'm crazy #2!**_

ShaeShea: Together we bring you this mess of craziness that you dare look at right now!

_**LeeLee: Yup! We should warn you that this story is against the doctor's orders.**_

ShaeShea: Yup! He said it causes excess brain damage/

_**LeeLee: But, what's that gonna do to us?**_

ShaeShea: Exactly, there's NO possible wa that our brains can be damaged more than this.

_**LeeLee: Yup! So, before i forget this, we do not own twilight! Or Smokey the bear or thriller**_

ShaeShea: Nope no we don't, but we do own this brain damage!

_**LeeLee: Ohhh Shannon. Enjoy reading and oh Tylenols make people HAPPY!!**_

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Chapter 4

Alice

_**Alice felt like she was in heaven, why you may ask, well she felt like she was in heaven because. every store in the mall was having a 50% off sale!**_

"WhooHoo!", she chanted as she flitted through racks and racks of clothes, carrying handfuls of bags. _**The store people were pushing their fellow workers out of the way so they can help Alice, their minds on the humungous tip they were bound to get if they do (help her that is.) **_Everyone in the mall knew Alice, and the workers secretly had a party in her name every week.

_**Alice smiled evilly, she had them all wrapped around her fifty dollar manicured fingernails, This day can't go bad, she thought but we all know what they say 'Don't speak to soon'.**_

As Alice neared the check out counter, Lucy the cashier, immediately recognized who Alice was and she was quick to give Alice a kiss and hug.

_**"Ohh emm geee!" said a voice, "Alice, what would Jasper say if he found out."**_

"Found out what?", she turned to face what appeared to be Emmett... Emmett in drag. _**"Emmett in the name of onions are you doing?" Alice asked, and Lord one knows how she likes onions.**_

"I'm here to spy on you!", Emmett screamed, "And I'm going to tell Jazzy that you're cheating on him with a girl!!!!. _**Oh and in case your wondering, I bought my outfit and a bunch of other stuff with this." he said pulling out one of Alice's fifty-eight credit cards, "I think it's number five."**_

*Le gasp* "MY baby!!", Alice screeched, "Emmett!!!! Give me back my baby!!!!" _**Suddenly Emmett remembered that credit card number five was the first credit card that Alice owned that didn't have parental supervision over it, Oh shit, he thought, I'm so dead. **_

"Oh shit", he mumbled before shoving it back down his pants where Alice couldn't get it.

"Emmett!! I will F-ing kill F-ing your F-ing A$$!!!!" Alice screeched and Emmett knew he was in deep shit now. _**Emmett needed to distract Alice so he could get a **__**head start running, suddenly a light bulb in his mind went off, oh wait, it's just the **__**store lights. "Alice look!" Emmett yelled, "It a new Gucci purse!" as soon as she turned around Emmett skitched out.**_

Emmett ran inside a changing room and took a deep breathe before he realized that an old woman was changing in there. "Hey baby, wanna go for a ride?", the old lady challenged.

_**"Yeah," Emmett said, "But not with you." when he said that a bunch of people appeared and said, "Ohhh you just get burrrrnnnned!"**_

Emmett then, quickly escaped the confines of that place to find that all the clothing store employees in the mall were forming a mob against him for stealing Alice's cards

_**"Awww come on!!!" Emmett pleaded, "She has fifty-seven others." **_ The employees were scarier than the army of new born vampires and Emmett tried to run away, but there was no escape from the.... Employees! All of a sudden Thriller began to play and the employees started dancing (I don't now what it is about dancing that I'm obsessed with)

_**Suddenly Alice stepped forward wearing pink camouflage, "Emmett go are going to pay for what you did." she said pulling out a bazooka and Emmett's mouth fell to the floor. **_Alice continued shooting at him with the bazooka until there was only pieces of Emmett's sorry butt on the floor, Alice was satisfied with her work and grabbed card #5 out of the uh hiding spot.

_**When Alice walked away Emmett's body rolled back together, "Boy did that hurt." he said causing the angry mob to scream and run away.**_

"Emmett! Promise me that you will never take away my credit card ever again!", Alice screeched even though she knew that it would happen again next week. "Y-Y-Y-Yes M'aam", Emmett stuttered before running out of the store screaming like the little girl he was.

_**But being as retarded as he is he stopped at the door and yelled, "Ha I knew you couldn't kill me." Alice turned around, **_

_**"Oh yeah?" she asked, she clenched her fist and flames surrounded them and ran after Emmett.**_

"AHHHHHH!", Emmett screamed like a little girl scout, "HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!"

_**Smokey the bear appeared out of nowhere, "It's you're job to help prevent wildfires" he said spraying Alice with a hose. **_

"GRRR!", Alice said before killing and drinking Smokey's blood in one swift movement. Passer by's looked frightened and began to run for their lives. (I don't know why they were running now but didn't even notice when she was controlling the fire.)

_**"Smokey NO!!!!!" Emmett screamed, "Don't leave me!! You were my one true love!!!!! The only bear I didn't eat!!!!"**_

Alice video taped the whole thing, "Hehehehe, wait till Rose sees this.", Alice said before skipping away to her porche and getting Emmett the ultimate payback.

_**Only she didn't make it far. When she went to put her bag in the passenger's seat she came face to face with a pink pony, ""Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" she screamed.**_

The pony was dressed in gangstah clothes, "Yo hot diggity dawg! Wha' you doin to my main man Emmett ova here.... DAWG!" the pink pony (we know him as Palo) confronted her. _**Alice blinked, stopped the car, threw the pony out and closed the door only to find that Emmett had taken the pony's place.**_

Emmett grinned, a creepy grin, the type that cookie monster would give you if you stole his cookie.

_**"Ohhh Alice." he sang, pulling out a lighter making Alice's eyes go wide. **_Alice got out of the car and ran all the way to China. **_But the Chinese weather was too sunny so she ran back, just in time to see her car explode._**

"NO!!!" she screamed, "Jasper the second!!!! Why did he do that to you?!?! You were innocent! INNOCENT!!", Alice dry sobbed while Emmett laughed at her.

_**"That's what you get for trying to kill me." he said, "Foh shizzle." Palo added.**_

Emmett and Palo flew off into the sunset (Don't ask me how) leaving Alice in the street, balled up in ball talking to herself and occasionally screaming out words like 'Jasper Jr' or 'Pink pony' or 'Cheese' until the Horsies in white came with the big needle and took Alice away.

_**"Palo you got the tape right?" Emmett asked Palo over a walkie-talkie even though they were sitting right next to each other.**_

"Uhh" Palo paused for a moment, "Do you want it?", he asked Emmett.

"No I just don't want Alice to have it",

"Good 'cause I ate it. _**It was labeled Jasper's Paty right?"**_

_**"Umm no." Emmett said. Little did they know that Rosalie was settling down at home with an unnamed tape.**_

At that moment Alice poofed up next to the retards, "I have my ways", she stated before Poofing away.

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ShaeShea: Hahahahahahahahahahh Look's like Alice won in the end didn't it?

_**LeeLee: Nope**_

ShaeShea: Wait, what do you mean?

_**LeeLee: Well she has to disinfect her credit card, her Porche got blown up, she had a terrible time in China and she suffered from a short mental break down**_

ShaeShea: But she got them back by sending da tape to Rosa

_**LeeLee: Yes but dey delivered da most damage**_

ShaeShea: Ohh

_**LeeLee: Also,... Emmett rocks!**_

ShaeShea: (dreamy sigh) I can't argue with that logic, Poor Palo he got kicked out of the car

_**LeeLee: Well, he did get to fly. I want to fly! Why can't I fly!?!?!**_

ShaeShea: There there, we'll be able to fly soon

_**LeeLee: Really?**_

ShaeShea: Yup the government are making something that they inject into a person that makes them sprout wings!!!!!!

_**LeeLee: Now dear readers you have just seen into the mind of ShaeShae, treasure this moment**_

ShaeShea: Shannon really really really WANTS an ALPACA!!!!!!!

_**LeeLee: Don't we all?**_

ShaeShea: Really you do?

_**LeeLee: (sigh) Plz review and if you like alpacas say alpacas in ur review.**_

ShaeShea: Pretty plz, and I hope we didn't damage too much of ur brain cells with this story :D


	5. Chapter 5: Esme

_**LeeLee**__**: !!olleH and welcome to TRAoaBEC. I'm Nnahgiel and I'm crazy number I today!!!!!**_

ShaeShea: !!yeH. I'm Nonnahs and sadly I'm crazy number 2 today.

_**LeeLee: Don't be sad Nonnahs there's always be a next time.**_

ShaeShea: Really?

_**LeeLee: I hope so, I paid two dollars for that line.**_

ShaeShea: I's thinks yous gots rips offs

_**LeeLee: Anyway we officially have an official warning!!!! Give it to um Nonnahs!**_

ShaeShea: Sure thing Nnahgiel, (sits behind a desk with a bunch of papers on it in a suit and glasses with her hair in a bun, in a serious voice) This story is rated R for supreme retardedness.

_**LeeLee: That's right. And we made it up all by ourselves. :D**_

ShaeShea: We, sadly, don't own Twilight but Palo!!!!! can I get a Woot Woot?_**(Woot Woot!) **_

_**LeeLee: Enjoy the story!!! And tanks to everyone who reviewed our story!!**_

ShaeShea: Ykcud!!!

_**LeeLee: (facepalms)**_

_**Chapter 5**_

_**Esme**_

_**Esme sighed happily, she had just finished cleaning the WHOLE house, she never knew it was actually as big as it is. **_But despite that she still enjoyed the peace and quiet. _**She had just put up the cleaning materials when the door banged open much to loudly for her taste. **_But she was very, passionate and put it aside quickly as she went to see who it was. _**She turned around to see a duck.**_

"Hello little ducky", she said, "I don't know how you got in my house but can you please leave?", she asked sweetly.

_**The duck blinked**____**then it exploded and Emmett stepped out from the steam.**_

Emmett! Hello dear!", Esme exclaimed, "Can you please stop dirtying the house?"

_**She, unlike the rest of her family, knew of Emmett's impulsive retardedness and tried to take it as it comes.**_

"But, Mommy!!!!", Emmett whined.

"GO!", she said, getting all motherly

._**"Fine," Emmett said pouting walking out the room. **_

_**"Thank goodness he's gone." A voice came from the corner. **_In the corner, to Esme's surprise was a Palo! She hadn't minded having him in the house except that he left a trail of mud everywhere. _**But little did she know that Palo was actually Palo in disguise!!**_

"OH EMM EFF GEE", Emmett screamed from the foot of the stairs, "Palo!! I was looking all over for you!"

_**"I'm not Palo you idiot!" the Palo imposter yelled.**_

Emmett looked as if he was about to cry, "What!?!?! Then... Where's my Palo?!?!"

_**He's right.." the Palo imposter crackled, "Here!" he finished ripping off his mask to reveal.... Palo!!**_

"PALO!!! How Dare You Scare Me Like that!?!?!?!", Emmett practically screamed, "No pineapples for a week!" _**Esme gasped, when did Emmett get so cruel?! He couldn't take away Palo's pineapples. **_Even though Esme was a vampire she knew that pineapples were THE most bestiest, besstes of Bestiees!

_**Palo twitched, "You can't!" he yelled at Emmett.**_

"Umm, Oh yes I can!", Emmett snapped his finger a 'z' formation while Esme's eye twitched,

"Can't....Take....Meanness....Too Much....Cheese!"

_**Palo who had been crying stopped and looked at Esme who's eye was twitching, "Is she okay?" he asked no one in particular.**_

"Umm, I don't know", Emmett mumbled, "Wanna throw her of a cliff to find out!"

_**"But we can't." Palo said in a scientific voice. **_Suddenly Emmett and Palo appeared wearing white Sciencey robes....nothing but white Sciencey robes. _**Palo then pulled out a chart (don't ask me from where) a showed that if they pushed Esme off of the cliff, Carlisle would get mad and refuse to go to work so that he could tend to her, which would cause sick people to get sicker and die and the deaths would suddenly pull the earth out of orbit and the earth would then crash into Venus.**_

"OHH EMM EFF GEE!!!!", Emmett exclaimed, "It all makes sense to me now!"

_**"WTF?!?!?!" Esme exclaimed, "That wouldn't happen." she said snatching the chart away from Palo, "Your calculations are off by one point, so that means," Esme explained, "That means we would crash into Neptune not Venus."**_

"Ohhhhh...Yeahhhhh!", Palo screamed as Emmett looked over the charts with a confuzzled face.

_**"I still don't get it." Emmett said, "But what the heck." he finished throwing the chart over his shoulder, breaking a window in the process.**_

"Emmett!", Esme scolded, "Go clean up that broken window!"

_**"But mommmmmm Palo did it not me." Emmett whined.**_

Esme looked at Palo, "I didn't do it.", Palo said as he put on a VERY convincing puppy dog face.

_**"Emmett." Esme said, "I don't care who broke the window you have to clean it up cause Palo is too cute to do it."**_

"But But But But," Emmett stuttered, "He's just playing you!!!, he's a private dancer!!!!"

_**Suddenly Palo had on skirt and music started playing in the background, "I'm a private dancer, I'll dance for your money and I'm only dancing for you." Palo started singing.**_

Esme looked up, "OH MY GOD!!" she yelled. "I love that song!!!!!!" and then she started dancing with him. _**Meanwhile Emmett was 'crying' tears of joy because he and Palo were now not the only retarded ones in the family.**_

"I'm not retarded", Esme shouted over the music, "I'm just random...and BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!"

_**"But you got nothing on me girlfriend." Palo said shaking his booty.**_

"Your girlfriend is your butt?", Emmett questioned.

_**"Boy Emmet." Palo threatened, "You ga know sense when I spark you ova da head." **_O.o...that is the only thing that can describe Emmett's face...O.o

_**"I don't want any sense!!!!!!" he screamed, "How could you even threaten me with that?!?!?! That's just cruel!!!"**_

"Emmett!!! How dare you accuse me of trying to give you...or even OWNING sense?!?!?!?!", Palo cried out. "You don't love me any more!", Palo sang.

_**"This convo isn't making sense anymore!!!!!" Esme yelled.**_

"It dosn't suppose to make sence you retard!", Emmett dissed his mommy.

_**"Welll uhhh Your Mom!" Esme countered.**_

"You are my mom", Emmett replied, "and that was soooo stale!"

_**"I mean ya real ma. And fyi I know disses dat will make you go crying to Rosalie." **_

"Ooooooo! You just got burned!", Palo said in a sing-song voice.

_**"Look who talking." Emmett said, "You could put a rainbow to shame."**_

"EMMETT!!", Palo sobbed, "We promised that we would never speak of my...Gender and my...Color! It's not right!!!!"

_**"I'm sooo sorry Palo!!" Emmett cried, "This is all your fault!" Emmett accused Esme.**_

"ME!?!?!", Esme screamed, "I did nothing! Why are you sooo mean to meee?!?!?!", Esme sobbed.

_**"I don't effing know!" Emmett screeched, "Ask the damn writers!!!"**_

*Lee-lee and Shae-Shae 'poofed' into the room* "Did somebody call us?", Shannon sang as Leighann looked around confuzzled.

_**"Shannon? Wa type retarded situation you get us in na?" **_

"Someone called us! We are the authors and it's our duty to make sure that the Cullens DO NOT get too retarded. If this should happen then they would release the vamp secret to the world and then get murdered by the Volturri.", Shannon said in a waayyy to long explanation.

_**"I just thought that we were here to explain y Emmett was so mean to Esme." Leelee said calmly.**_

"So you knew!!!", Shannon screamed back at her.

_**Leighann whacked Shannon on the back of her head, "No you idiot!! My author's sense was tingling."**_

"Ohhhhh....Why don't I get an auntor's sense?", Shannon whined.

_**"Cause I'm the taller one." Leighann replied.**_

"Well that sucks", Shannon mummbled.

"Uhh...", Emmett said hesitantly to the girls.

_**"Ohhh yeahh. Now for why we're here." Leighann said. "We don't know why. We just make up this stuff as we go."**_

"True true", Shannon said. "Oh and we also do it fo rthe love of monkeys, donkeys, cookies, clouds, alpacas and hot sexy guys without a shirt...*cough*Taylor Lautner*cough*"

_**"Well Shannon we's gots tos goes. I know you want to stay but we're interupting the story. Say goodbye." Leighann said.**_

"...fine...but can Jacob be in the story next time?", Shannon pleaded.

_**"Jasper first sweetie." Leighann said grabbing Shannon and then the two of them *poofed* away.**_

"Well...that was weird!", Emmett said.

_**"Agreed." Palo and Esme said.**_

_**LeeLee**__**: (8) My girl you a champion smugglar (8) Smuggling da weed (8) Champion smugglar (8) You a smugglar, smugglar, smugglar. (8)**_

ShaeShea: That's soo cool. Where'd you get that from?

_**LeeLee: I made it up.**_

ShaeShea: Omg!!! In celebration of you making up that song we're going to dance!!!!

_**LeeLee: Everyone do the donkey leg!!!**_

ShaeShea: Eeeehawww!

_**LeeLee: O.o lmfao rofl**_

ShaeShea: Yay! Esme has released her inner retardedness!!! We all knew she had it in her.

_**LeeLee: I didn't**_

ShaeShea: You didn't? How could you not!!?!?!?!

_**LeeLee: Ha I knew you would freak out if I told you dat.**_

ShaeShea: Meanie

_**LeeLee: Ass**_

ShaeShea: Meanie

_**LeeLee: Ass**_

ShaeShea: Meanie

_**LeeLee: Ass**_

ShaeShea: Meanie!

_**LeeLee: Ass! **_

ShaeShea: Meanie!!

_**LeeLee: Ass!!!**_

ShaeShea: Meanie!!!!

_**LeeLee: Ass!!**_

**Peanut: Plz review this story while those two fight**

_**ShaeShea & LeeLee: PEANUT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?**_


	6. Chapter 6: Jasper

**ShaeShae: Welcome to yet another installment of... TRAoABEC!_  
__LeeLee: It's a bit shorter than usual but I guess we're in the almost exams time funk.  
_ShaeShae: Won't you take me to...FUNKY TOWN!  
_LeeLee: Sorry it's been so long since we updated it's just things have been moving so fast it's like one day it's Monday the next it's Saturday.  
_ShaeShae: Yeah and Regatta's fast approaching.  
_LeeLee: Y4y! Regatta *sigh* rake n scrape, sailing, boating, swimming and many many more.  
_ShaeShae: Don't forget the BOYS! And haha I'm single! :P  
_LeeLee: Don't mind ShaeShae she's a bit boy crazy. No I suggest you go on with the story.  
_ShaeShae: ENJOY!**

_**Chapter 6  
Jasper**_

**Jasper was sitting in the living room with his third cousin's fourth cousin's godchild, Paula I-can't-remember-her-last-name-...-oh-yeah-Dean. _They were speaking very rapidly in what appeared to be a very complicated language, _**

_**"Abc?" Paula asked Jasper.**_

**"Dcf!", Jasper practically yelled in reply as he jumped out of his seat and began to do the maccarrena (or whatever that dance is called)**

_**Suddenly Emmett was dancing next to him with a bowl of (fashionably arranged I might say) fruit on his head. **_**Oh yeah! That bad boy fruit had a tape player playing the I'm too sexy song.**

_**Somehow in that span of two seconds Paula had managed to cook some fried chicken and mashed potatoes.**_

**"You don't expect me to eat that do you?", Jasper said, a look of disgust, clear on his, if i do say so myself, HANDSOME features.**

_**"Eat it or I'll kill you." Paula threatened baring a pair of fangs. (Plz note dear readers that Emmett's and Jasper's faces are like this O.o)**_

**"Jasper I'm scared.", Emmett, who looked like he was ready to pee his panties, whispered to Jasper. **

**"OH my brother you are not alone", Palo said.**

_**"Omg!" Paula screamed throwing the food in the air, "It's a pink alien! It's going to eat us! Runnn." then she proceeded to run out the house but she ran into the door instead.**_

**Paula staggered for a moment after that *cough* embarrassing move *cough* before she fainted and was, as some people say, dead to the world.**

_**"Y4y! She's dead!" Emmett cried.**_

_**Y4y?" Jasper asked.**_

_**"It's the hip way to say yay Dumbo."**_

**And anyway, she isn't dead you retarded," Jasper scolded him, "she just fainted."**

"But I still don't like how you killed my best friend."

_**"Who's you're best friend?"**_

**Well duhhhhhhhhh, that woman there!" Jasper smacked Emmett upside the the head. "OH no you didn't!"**

_**That action started a slap fight that lasted 5.3 seconds before they realized that Charlisle had stepped into the room and there was an unconscious human on the floor, two words, Oh crap.**_

**"Boys, I will give you five seconds to explain this.", Carlisle said to a frozen Emmett and Jasper. Palo on the other hand was doing the can-can.**

_**When they didn't answer Charlisle picked up Paula, "I'll just go take take her and seas- I mean take her some place for safe keeping."**_

**"Wait no!", Jasper yelled. "I need to stay with her!" **

**Carlisle looked at Jasper, hesitated, and then said, "No...uhh...You have to clean this mess up."**

_**"What mess?" was what Jasper had meant to ask before he looked behind him. Somehow in the 2.5 seconds he was talking to Charlisle Emmett and Palo had turned the place into a dump.**_

**Jasper sighed. His life just kept getting worse and worse. As Carlisle walked with Paula to his study, Emmett and Palo screamed. "Tiki PARTY!". At that moment, something burst inside of Jasper.**

_**Ten minutes later the house was clean, Emmett was hanging from the chandelier and Palo was tied up and stuffed under the table.**_

**"I think my work here is done!", Jasper said proudly and made his way to the door. _He stopped to pick up Paula and ran all he way to... somewhere._**

**"Not so fast!", Carlisle said smoothly from the shadows.**

_**"Omg," Jasper whined, "'L!k3 wtf d0 u want w!t me ! l!ke want 2 l3ave dis plac3."**_

**"Okay, why the stethoscopes are you talking in chat speak?", Carlisle said. His voice lowered, "You know I hate that!", he said before pulling out a knife. _Suddenly Emmett came into the picture screaming like the retard he is. _**

_**"Omfg Charlisle gone gangster!" then proceeded to pick up Charlisle and throw him 2,000,000.500 miles away.**_

**"Thank you Emmett.", Jasper said, "It's a pity I have to kill you isn't it?" _Jasper lunged at him but got stuck in mid air. _**

_**Then Palo ran in crying, "Emmett I got my Hogwarts letter!" and holding a wand which was pointed at Jasper**_

**"Oh Lord!", Jasper said as he hung upside down in the air. "This just means that Emmett's gonna get absolutely worse!" _But then he realized something, "Isn't it illegal to do magic out of the school." _**

_**... **_

_**"Oh sugar honey ice tea." Emmett said. "Runnnnnnnnnnnnnn!."**_

**"Hmmphh", Jasper said, "Serves em right." Jasper looked around. "Where's Paula?" _Then he caught sight of Paula running away with Emmett and Paula. _**

**_"I'm not taking the blame for them." she called out. _Then, at that moment, everything hit Jasper. The weird fashion sense. The ability to cook magically delicious food. Paula Dean was a Witch!**

_**At the moment he realized that police and sqat cars pulled up along with helicopters and Jasper found himself standing with many guns pointed at his chest.**_

**"Oh Crap", Jasper said before running after the dynamic trio of retards. Make it 4 now.**

_**That day the police learned an important lesson vampires/witches/chefs/pink magical ponies/retards can run very fast.**_

_**LeeLee: I tink da po po learned a good lesson  
**_**ShaeShae:I know I did!****  
_LeeLee: I tink we all did. Especially Palo, he learned never to give up on his dreams.  
_ShaeShae: *Sigh* I haven't gotten my letter yet :'(  
_LeeLee: Neither have I :'( On a happier note do you guys like it?  
_ShaeShae: Please let us know by reviewing!  
_LeeLee: Yes please and if you've ever been to a regatta put ^.^ in ur review._**

**ShaeShae: :D**


	7. Author's Note

LeeLee: Hello!

Shannon: Shannon says HI! And I can't believe it! Because Leighann was the one who spent soooo much time posting these chapters I want her to make the wonderful yet sad announcement!

LeeLee: Well dear readers I will give you the sad news first. TRAoaBEC is coming to a close. :(

Yes *tear tear*. I know we all but completely forgot this story and yall are like: Well aint it about time! But the story is over guys... and now for the good news!

LeeLee: *imma just put Leighann double caps confuses me* We are making a sequel! *jumps up and down* Yes the idea came from the last chapter when Palo got his Hogwarts letter.

Shannon: You guessed it! It's time for The Retarded Adventures of a Bored Emmett Cullen: Hogwarts Edition! I'm gonna cry Leighann!

Leighann: *tears up* I know what you mean. It combines our favourite book series with our favourite retards.

Shannon: So Harry Potter fans and Twilight fans can laugh at the incredible retardedness of this series! So I of course am thrilled!

Leighann: But alast that is all we have to say so keep on the look out for TRAoaBEC: HE! Coming soon to a fanfiction site near you. Ok maybe only this one.

Shannon: :D I love you all! And thank you soo much for the wonderful reviews we recieved! :D :'( Crying with happiness!

Leighann: :') Happy tears! Thank you for supporting us and our crackheadedness. Bye!

Shannon: Good bye for now. :)


End file.
